James Stone 
1-
I don’t always pick out the wrong item when my wife sends me to the store but when I do I buy it in the mega-pack.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 18, 2019
2-
My wife and I share an Amazon account.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 27, 2019
This came up as a recommended purchase.
Now accusations are flying back and forth about who searched for what.
I'm not sure if we can survive this. pic.twitter.com/EoxtddBN06
3-
"I don't want popcorn"
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 11, 2019
– My wife, who's about to eat half my popcorn during this movie
4-
Me:
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 12, 2019
My wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you’re up….
5-
Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015
6-
Mornings when my wife can sleep in:
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 20, 2019
Me: [tiptoeing around, whispering to kids, wearing only socks until I leave the house]
Mornings when I can sleep in:
Wife: DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT A SMOOTHIE [sound of blender]
7-
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
— The Dad (@thedad) March 24, 2013
8-
Wife: *gets back from the butcher shop* They said this is the hottest sausage I'll ever have.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2017
Me: Actually-
Wife: NO.
9-
Mornings when my wife can sleep in:
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 20, 2019
Me: [tiptoeing around, whispering to kids, wearing only socks until I leave the house]
Mornings when I can sleep in:
Wife: DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT A SMOOTHIE [sound of blender]
10-
Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015
